Cultivating Experiences

2012-02-19T03:40:00.000-08:00

I've put in so much time, so much time only to be convicted of another girl's crime. Cause while you're out chasing booty and dimes, the real treasure is leaving. And it's little things like that that make me lose hope cause I am no longer simply willing to cope. It doesn't seem to matter the quality, because either way her past still follows me. I'm waiting for my innocence but my trial, it never came. And somehow, I've been enveloped into this game where I'm sentenced to live with the fact that I will always be looked at as the same.
The same as her. The girl that stretched out the truth but shrunk your heart, because your capacity to love is now only a weak flickering glow. Which goes to show that it was never a love story to begin with cause let's face the facts, she was a hoe. And while you were layin' low tryna maintain a status quo, she was out runnin' a game show. Free throws and scores, she was a whore and the only thing that came out was your heart shattered on the floor. But did you really expect more?
So where does this leave us? I don't want to be forever cleaning up after her dust and I love you but I don't want this to be a bust. And I'm asking you, as your new girl, can you adjust? Adjust from passive trust and momentary lust to loving wholeheartedly and investing real time in me. Because weather it's her story, your story, their story, or his story, let's just make the past history.

2012-01-19T01:07:00.001-08:00

You could say I’ve become bitter or hesitant to hand out trust. Unconsciously hoarding onto hallucinatory notions of doubt and insecurity from the lust. What good is the truth if it’s so obscured. Twisting around words as you reassured, never making me good enough with all the shit I’ve endured. See it’s been a while, but lies and secrets aint comin’ back in style. Implanting such self-loathing ideas, it made the line between fear and love barely distinguishable. I let your voice tiptoe into the attic of my head and live rent-free for weeks. I was weak to let you speak with such antique techniques that should have been obsolete but was allowed to be complete because I trusted you. That trust, the trust that was derived from sunny dates and pie crusts turned to lust and disgust and conversations cussed. I guess you could say I’ve become bitter or hesitant to hand out trust.

Two to tango

2011-12-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

And then you’re there. Sitting in deep contemplation as to why our verbal exchanges has come to a sudden hiatus. Well you see, it takes two to converse. Somewhere along the line, I was deemed the the under-spoken silence. For as long as I can remember, you were the one that spoke over both our thoughts. You answered for me and assumed I would always be there to listen. I convinced myself that because you could turn to me in times of need, it would be mutually reciprocated.

Never could I be more wrong. I never had a say in anything; and I do care about you, but there’s a difference between putting up with someone and knowing when you’ve had enough. I can no longer assure you that I’ll always be there for you. I can’t prioritize your feelings while you continue to put me on the back burner. My thoughts will never be truly heard through your ears and my words will never be strong enough to convince you not only hear, but to listen. This will just be another friendship severed through time, because no matter doesn’t matter how hard I try, it takes two to tango.

Diamond in the Rough

2011-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

I’m the girl that’s always tired. The girl that has too much weight on her shoulders. The girl that carries three bags, one to hold the essentials and two under her eyes. The girl that lives for fleeting happiness but wallows in her insecurities. I’m the girl that never completely loves anything. The girl that only cries on her pillowcase but only screams in faces. The hasty, impatient, and imperfect. The girl that is disappointing but dreams higher than cloud ten. I’m the girl that secretly swims through bookshelves and thumbs through every book in her spare time. The girl that doesn’t confide in anyone and sleeps with one eye open, if she ever even sleeps. The girl that has long abandoned preconcieved notions of love at first sight. The girl wrestling to rebuild the past. I’m the girl that will never finish editing her rough draft because in her mind, a final paper doesn’t exist.

The Best Medicine

2011-12-28T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sparking the paper and inhaling; out burned smokey words the curled off his lips and it kind of looked like what happy would look like. A few seconds passed and the words dissipate into the air. Nature’s osmosis, her way of achieve equilibrium. What you take will in one way or another be taken from you. All the energy you put into the world comes from somewhere else because you can’t create it. It’s a fundamental scientific law. But I didn’t go to exchange theories of relativity and thermodynamics, I went to take a hit of that dopamine. To have that chemical surge is better than any recreational drug. It is.

You are a gift given. The greatest teacher of all lessons but one that kills their students in the end. You are a fixed income; a problem facing most of us: how to live successfully within our daily allotment. You are an equal opportunist, a non-discriminatory profession that allows us all the same amount. Regardless of our race, color, or religion. You can’t buy or make more of you. You are the doctor, healing us without fancy equipment. You are an inner-city piegon. Always flying away. You are a thief and the money he is after. Being stolen and stealing moments away.

Laughter and time.

2011-12-04T20:47:00.001-08:00

It is good to visit the past, just don't stay there. And I do visit, a lot. To grow from my mistakes and pick myself up. To take pride in my improvement and applaud my own accomplishments. Because many times, we always wonder how on earth we'll get by, but in the end, we always do.

And looking back on the good, it was all the things I wanted to hear. The things that gave me confidence and security. All the blissful words that intoxicated my heart and drove me to love whole-heatedly like never before.
But looking back on the bad, it was all the things you did. The actions that betrayed me laced with lies and deceit. There is a difference. Actions speak louder than words and so now I know.

I've gotten over that, in the mental sense that I found myself building bridges instead of walls. Forgiving is important, especially with yourself. For so long I blamed me for not being good enough, but I realized that I did my part, it was you that failed in keeping up with yours. Now I am aware and will no longer be swayed by a sweet word here and there. I am not reckless for that is not my nature. I didn't go crazy over it, but I learned. Now, I'm learning to love again, and it's never going to be the same as the first, but it's going to be a lot more real.

2011-11-24T01:14:00.001-08:00

Admit it, we all hate hoes, but at the same time, go so much love for them.
These homie hoppin' hoes. Home wrecking hoes. Grimey hoes with no morals. Messy bops. Sure they fuck things up for us, but how else are we suppose to learn?

Hoes keep things interesting and provide us with drama to keep us entertained. They teach us what NOT to be like. You know what they say, it's not a party if there aren't any hoes! And guys give these hoes so much love but we all know it's not really love. Life would not be life without such wonderful people to learn from. Some mistakes don't need to be experienced. We can learn from yours.

2011-11-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

There are so many pros to hanging out in a group of just guys making you the only girl.
Getting treated like the baby, spoiled, meals paid for, and getting over-protected when it comes to other guys, always warm because someone is bound to have a jacket, etc etc.

And then just straight talking shit about all the hoes together. You think girls talk shit? Haha, guys talk just as much. They're not as oblivious about the bops and hoes as you think.

Kooks

2011-11-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

UC apps are killing me.
I haven't even applied for scholarships yet.
Only half finished my personal statement
Fml, I know I probably won't get in but fingers crossed
The CSU website is being a bitch and won't let me make an account.
Haven't even STARTED my bill for mock congress.
Stats is actually turning into math rather than common sense now.
Lightweight wish I was as artistic as I used to be and had a passion for it, art school seems like a pretty neat experience.
Office ladies are saying I only have 10 hours when I know I have at least 50+.
I don't know if we're going to do debates and case studies.
Need to get materials to build a model of a sacamore?
Senior portfolios.
Taking SATs once more in December.
Haven't even taken portraits yet.

Sometimes this whole process is a little overwhelming, it makes me want to just get my GE at COA or some shit and save some money. Then transfer since the reapplication process is so much easier and have a guaranteed UC or my choice. Overall, senior year is so damn easy and stress-free. I'm getting too used to having free time that I'm getting lazy! It makes me wonder what SS is going to be like. I'm really scared about my future after high school. I regret fucking up my junior year so bad, it's so disappointing knowing that I can't do anything about it now. Now physio is fucking me over, it's the only class I have a B in. So close to that 4.0 :(

But in other news, I'm falling in love at the seaside <3

2011-10-26T00:15:00.000-07:00

So many things have been going on, I don't know how to get it all down.

I've been feelin' a bit malnourished. Lacking some stimulating food, for thought. You see, I haven't had a wine-and-dine meal in a minute, and all I'm asking is for you to spit it out and serve it to me on a silver platter. You were my chief and my conversationalist, constantly supplying me with a taste for critical thinking. This yearning for a deeper understanding for the socio-culture of this forsaken society puts us in the same first class, three course meal. But as of lately, it seems as though you've been biting your tongue. Was it something I said? I can't comprehend what would be controversial enough to penetrate the unwritten contract of our speaking terms. Wrong frame of mind I suppose.
Food for thought, watch your ingredients.

2011-10-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to talk down to my past. You can't say that you love someone and you want to be with them forever and you need them in your life, but add time to the equation, and have a result of pure bullshit. Please, muster up the courage to take a number and order a plate of truth; isn't that what we are all hungry for?
You can't bury your past because that is what shaped you to be who you are today, the best you can do it accept and respect it. Because no matter how good your intentions, society will always look to the past for a judge of character. It may not reflect who you are now, but it reflects who you were, and sometimes that is enough to convince people.

2011-10-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

Mad love to all the female lyricist out there.

2011-09-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

You don't know. You don't, unless you're a female, you probably will never understand.
Everything from the way I was raised to how the principles I grew up with told me to never be a controlling, physiological overprotective, overbearing partner.

But you DON'T KNOW. Sometimes there are justifiable reasons to be a crazy bitch okay?! Shit. I never wanted or tried to be like that. I've stopped myself tons of times and let people do what they want. But for some fucking reason that NEVER works out for me. These immature bitches get butthurt when I give them space. THE HELL?????????! I thought guys hated bitches that put them on a leash.
Well I guess that only applies to the youngstas that don't know how to handle independence.

So I get shit for "not caring enough". But then once that's resolved and they get accustom to the freedom, it's like can I even trust you anymore? The WHOLE REASON I gave you that kind of freedom is because I TRUST YOU to not go behind my back. Don't take advantage of it.
Like nowadays, it gets hard to believe in relationships. Everyone I've ever known, has not be completely faithful from the beginning. Where it be just flirting with someone else, physical affairs, or just a change of heart in losing feelings and giving it to someone else. EVEN IF it was only temporary and it's been worked out. But the fact that it feels like in every relationship, someone gets hurt bc of a third party.

I think this is why I should start being a crazy bitch from now on. Hate that shit.
"where are you? with who? boy or girl? whos that? since when? when are you coming back? what are you guys doing? are you done? where are you? where are you now? hello?"
I hate clingy hoes. Not CLINGY actually, but the bitches that constantly check up on you.

Big, BIG no-no.
double double words words ftw ftw, lolol.

Ambition

2011-09-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

"The definitive characteristic of every human being."
One shouldn't judge a person on where they are now, but where they strive to be. One of the most attractive things I see in a person is their ambition and the willingness to constantly better themselves. It's a beautiful thing.

To have ambition is to have a reason to live.

2011-09-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

You know what, I've noticed I've never really let the little opinion of others really affect me at school. Why should this year be any different. It's my last year, might as well make the best of it. Unlike before, I'm pretty confident I can get my shit done and have a fun ass year. Fuck what everyone thinks.

I just know this year is going to be really different from the years before. I can feel it. I need to stop being so uptight even though I can't stand half the people in my class. No more grudges. As long as I don't turn into a slore or become a little dependent bitch, I'm happy with how things will be turning out. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Fuck reputation and what they think, it's what I think of myself.

And if somewhere along the line I get tied down, then fasho. But otherwise, this will be a good schoolyear.

To quote sista blog:

I believe it is okay to exploit change. We are nearing the pinnacle of our ever-changing youth, therefore one should employ themselves to whatever they like. Get some experience on the clock.

Update

2011-09-29T00:11:00.000-07:00

Think I'm getting immune to caffeine in the morning -_______-
Laggin' on Gov hw, you'd think if there isn't a set due date... smh procrastination.
Hoping everyone's doing well off at college with welcome week and classes and all
I need a date to go with me to Bay St. to redeem my free Coldstone! lol
Getting addicted to twitter :/
SAT this weekend, gotta get on that FAST
But yay, I thought it was going to be a sucky weekend, but I found something to look forward to.
Bro, I'm gettin' hella bank for them UNICEF kids.
Fasho aced my gov and stats test today! fyeah >:]
It was a wonderful day, regardless of the heat and irritating bitches.
A good cry helps every once in a while
Awkward moment when your friends hit on yo baby cousin
BT's BD today, and JT of the B's BD tmwr. Tehehe, well actually yesterday and today.
Learned new songs, yus
Just remembered gotta buy cap and gown shit tmwr
What ever happened to my Insanity routine, that shit lasted like two weeks.
Kinda want to start conditioning for powderpuff soon
Essited fo homecoming
Juiced for the weekend, better be hot.
I need to stop letting little things affect me, my life is going so good right now. I keep trying to victimize myself just because someone/something doesn't go the way I want it to. But foreals, it's annoying.

2011-09-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

I think it's hilarious when you're like at a kickback or some place where alcohol is being served, and guys make any excuse to "take care" of the girl.
It's like they'll hug them, hold on to them while they're walking, ask if they're okay, etc etc.
Like, uhm. You're sexual advances will not work, I didn't even drink you moron.

recap

2011-09-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite ways to end the night. Good food, good music, good company. Senior Banquet went far beyond my expectations, but I set the bar kinda low to begin with.

It finally hit me during the slideshow that it's our last year being in grade school. Alameda is pretty small, so basically a lot of us grew up with each other since elementary school. Better make the most of this year.
Food was alright, but to me it was a party in my tummy. I barely ate anything for two days so I didn't have to bloat and shit. Pigged out.

I think it's really sweet when you're dancing on someone and they see your dress is riding up and they help pull it down for you. Like most guys don't give two shits if not encourage that. That's really nice.
But yeah, awkward moment when someone is too tall for you? That's a first...

It's just weird cause I'd never think that the kids in my class could put aside all the fucking drama and have a good time together. Fun night, but I wouldn't do it again. Heels were killin' me. Can't wait for ~~Homecoming~~. Prom.

2011-09-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

Awkward moment when people with the same English teacher as you find your personal blog.
Uh, fuck off guys.

2011-09-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm too young to be complaining, but sometimes you just need someone. I not denying my feelings because I know that sometimes people crave physical attention. I can't justify why or say that I actually "need" it, but it'd be nice. To enjoy someones company and let my guard down once in a while. That lets get intimate, but fuck the sex kinda company.

I'm a girl born into the digital age of media and propaganda, exposed to chick flicks with happy romantic endings and surrounded by lovely dovey shit. How do you expect me not to want cuddle up with someone when the nights are lonely and cold? It may be difficult for you to imagine others admitting this, but everyone will feel this way at one point in their life. Keep it real.

I like just being comfortable with someone without having to be insecure. It just makes intimate company that much better. Sorry for being a complete girl right now. I just want to lay with you. I want to be able to have the freedom to grab your hands and put them in mines if I feel like it. I wanna smoother you in little cutesy kisses just because I can. I want that "falling asleep in your arms and waking up next to you" sensation again. I think that's just the best part. Waking up, and seeing that person still entangled in you.

It's bouta be cuddle season. But shit, might as well just wait till the next jtb movie night.
~~We practically fuck each other.~~ I'm completely kidding. But we are a very intimate group of people.

Cause in the end, all we'll have is memories

2011-09-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

The happy, dramatic, sad, angry, crazy, good to the bad, and the rise to the fall; I'm thankful for them all. Thankful that I can go somewhere and remember "Oh, that's where (whatever happened there)" or like remembering where I first did something new at that one place, or even doing something memorable with someone.
I like that I can reiterate all my feelings and emotions held in a physical place.

I like that I can listen to certain songs and be so affected and moved by it. I love that certain songs remind me so much of my past, weather it be snow trips, road trips, romances, a certain night, a partyhardy moment, school, a person, etc. You can't touch music, but it can touch you.

Glad to look back and realize that even though certain aspects of my life may never be the same, I'm lucky it happened in the first place. Which makes it that much harder to let go. I want to up and leave to create some new ones yekno?
Cause we all know nothing last forever.

2011-09-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

I hate talking to you because it's all just a game with you. I actually want to converse but to you it's just another battle to try to get me believe in something that isn't there. I miss when you were actually real with me.

2011-09-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

I think I have abandonment issues, and I'm just being honest to myself here.

Honestly. Fuck guys man. Another girl with daddy issues.

But today was good regardless. PN's Bday, puffs and tuffs for lyfe though. Oh how people change throughout the years. Last night for little big bro tonight, what better way to say bye then a Shrimp/Crawfish dinner for 23? Haha, damn. Retouched the hurr again, hot tmwr so I sleep nao. Byes.

Edit: Miss em' already. So long ago, pretty sure I lost that jacket.

2011-09-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

One thing I really can't stand. Liars.
I've gone through several wonderfully great liars in my lifetime, it wasn't easy. But here's a tip for you noobs, if you can't lie, don't do it! You'll get caught up before you even get your story straight.
I've been lied to about little things and deceived into believing some things I really should have never got involved in, but in the end, it all ends the same. The person you lie to finds out, because we have ways. It's only a matter of time.

Oh, and just because we didn't call you out on your shit and told you that we know you lied, it doesn't mean we don't know. Just fyi.

2011-09-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

I love when people surprise me with a visit or just drop by in person at my house to say hi. Even if it's for like 5 minutes, it's the fact that they took time to make the drive over here and is thoughtful enough to say wsup. Stupid shit like that has always made me smile. I like my friends very much.
Sweet thoughtful gestures. <3 Who doesn't like them? C'mon now.

But anyways, I really don't know what this means but I lightweight expect something to happen now since my fortune cookies have always been pretty accurate in the past. I really don't expect anything.

But shit, it'd be a nice change of pace. So another wonderful year of life is almost coming to an end. To me, a birthday simple marks another year closer to death. I'd rather not have any significant event or any unnecessary attention drawn to myself for that day.

Needless to say, someone never fails to make it a big deal. Is it weird that since freshmen year, I've gotten hugs, balloons, presents, "Happy Birthday"s, letters, and alla that shit on the days surrounding my birthday, but never on the actual date? Hahaha, I swear every year the same people text me at midnight like "Happybday!" with some long paragraph about it like two days before or after my actual birthday.

Random thoughts throughout the day

The people in my marketing table are getting kind irritating except for the mexican guy.
Fuck this bipolar weather. Cold af in the morning but in the afternoon I end up sweating like a whore in church.
Whoever mistakenly switched sandwiches with me at Subway today better have enjoyed my sandwich, cause quite frankly, you can't construct sandwiches fo shit. Get ya'self a girlfriend for that.
Tuesdays are mostdef the worst block days.
Thank God for cannabis, unproductive day.
Everyday I'm juiced to workout and shit, but then food comes and like, "fuck that, food first". But I never get back to it. :\
Is it weird that to miss someone when you know you shouldn't?
This bitch has just been all over my sloppy seconds for a good few years now.
You are so fucking aksdgioadskawe! Just don't walk the streets alone cause if I see you, it's fasho goin' down. Sexy mother fucker.
In regardless to my last bullet: I want to strangle you in hugs til you pass out so I can perform CPR on you. That is all.
I swear all my guy friends wear my same cologne as my ex. Awkward moment when you can't stop smelling your friends.... It was a good scent okay!?
I thought I would stop putting personal stuff on blast, but i guess not...
I need to go shopping ASAP. Take me and I'll love you mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Just not physically. Haha
So behind in gov homework and I still need to shower.
Need to buy new topcoat or gel polish

Well this was long. Alright, bye! (:

Abetspeaks

2011-09-12T17:28:00.001-07:00

2011-09-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

I wish you people would stop reading this. Stop checking up on me. I see you in my page stats.

On boys holding you back

2011-09-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like every time I was seriously involved with anyone, instead of growing to be a better person and all that generic bullshit, I was placed five steps back. In which afterwards, I'd have to haul ass to get my head back on my shoulders and stop being a little bitch. Boys bring out the worst in me.

And this makes me a hypocrite because contrary to what I just stated, when people are in similar situations, these are my very thoughts:

You pussyassbitch. Sack up and stop being an over dramatic worm. Clearly, if you can't handle a relationship without feeling like it's holding you back, you are either 1) In the wrong relationship and should breakup. Or 2) Have no sense of priority and independence. If you get so whipped that you feel like you can't function without your partner, yet complain that they're holding you back, you obviously are too immature to handle one. As in you don't know how the fuck to BALANCE out your life.
i.e.:

they're getting in the way of your dreams
they're getting in the way of your academic pursuits
they're getting in the way of your friends
they're getting in the way of your personal time

If any of these apply to you, then you just are too infatuated, lustful, or selfish to let them go. You see, I'm old fashioned in the way I perceive love. If two people are willing to compromise to make it work, it will definitely work. It SHOULDN'T feel like they are holding you back from ANYTHING. But shit, life never works that way, so most people at one point in their lives will probably feel something similar to this. Makes me shake my head.

Harsh much? Well it's lightweight directed to myself so its ok. I am my own worse critic. Whatever, I'm not down to be in anything more than good companionship. Living the single life? Fuck that, just living is good enough. Trying extremely hard to keep it that way.
Note to self: You are too immature to handle anything with a label, don't get attached.

Contemplate your happy state

2011-09-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

You’re mad all the time, what the hell can you really be mad about all the time? I’d like to call you bitter, or maybe I’ll just say you need some anger management. You’re happy all the time, are you on some drugs you would like to share? You are clearly delirious. You’re depressed all the time? Go get some of those drugs from the happy people. You’re super nice all the time? That’s why people walk all over you. You’re mean as hell? That’s why people don’t like you. You’re serious all the time? Please, take the stick out of your ass. You’re never serious? You should try this thing called growing up. You talk non-stop? Please, shut up. You don’t talk at all? Please, speak up. You hate everyone and everything? They probably don’t like you either. You say you love everyone and everything? You need to stop lying. This really could go on and on. Handle your business before it handles you. People who are too extreme on the scale need to calm down. There is a time and a place for everything; it’s called living a balanced life.You should try it.
No one is perfect, I know, but please, take care of your own stuff before you try to fix someone else's life.

Once again, from sister blog.

On wasting time

2011-09-04T02:00:00.000-07:00

Don't worry about people that don't worry about you.
Don't believe in people that don't believe in you.
Don't waste your time on unrequited love.

2011-09-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

And since when was Hip Hop only about sex, drugs, and money? Hip Hop wasn't like this before. I’m not saying there aren’t any impressive artists out there, I know there are, but sometimes, their songs appear way too many times on the radio, so people get tired of hearing the same things being played over and over again, maybe it's just me. Music plays such a huge role in our lives. If all people hear on the radio is sex, money, drugs, and objectifying women; so of course majority of us will want to do it! There’s so much more to Hip Hop than sex, drugs, money, and being famous. The history behind it so is fascinating. I can’t say that I truly know Hip Hop, well because I don’t. I can’t say I truly know it because there’s so much more to learn and there’s so much meaning behind everything. I’m still trying to learn about it and I’m still trying to grasp the culture. Music and Art is pretty much what drives our Country..so why is it that once a school needs money, Music and Art is what’s being pulled out first? I’m sure quite a few people would disagree, but this is what’s going through MY mind. Big ups to those of you who actually enjoy dance, cars, photography, etc. for yourselves. But to the kids who are hopping on the bandwagon just to look cool when you don’t even really know anything about this shit: you are rotting away modern culture one component at a time. What I'm trying to say is it's not about what you do as long as you love what you do, passion not fashion. Don't get into it cause it's the new "hype" or trend.

Part of a WBP for english from two years ago. ( Autonomy of the Mind )
Can you say "run-on sentences"? Note to self: Proofread before publishing.

But the underlying principles are still alive within my thoughts.

PSA

2011-09-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

From the stats on this blog, it's pretty much a given that I do traffic a few consistent views. Canada and Germany? Haha, hi. I have more views on this blog than I do with my Autonomy of the Mind blog. The one with actually followers and is synced to everyone I've had English with sophomore and this year through Sutherland. Presumptuously, I assumed the vast majority of people simply look past all of my online profiles, but it seems that a few actually noticed when I added my blogger link to my Tumblr info. Tumblr traffics most of the views to this page, so I've been thinking.
Should I halt the publications of my personal thoughts? I want to be able to openly express myself without judgement and because I'm not always in the "idgaf" state here, I don't want people to reiterate to others what they read and assume is true.
And to everyone that came across my page that knows me personally:

Don't think because you read my blog(s), you know who I am. You don't know my story. More importantly, you don't know me. Don't assume everything I say or write is true, and don't assume that they're all for fictional purposes. Don't assume quotes and songs relate to how I'm feeling. MOST importantly, never vocalize that you've seen this and don't approach me about it. Just read if you must, and move on.

2011-09-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Don't wait around for something that will never happen.
It's wrong, I know it. Why, and how long will it go on? I can't have all these loose ends running around town, it's emotionally destabilizing. So if you're talking to someone, even if there's no commitment yet or serious feelings, don't you still think they deserve a good amount of respect from you? You can't be exclusively dating someone and fucking someone else for kicks at the same time. Well not in my book, because even though you're just lightly talking to them, they don't deserve to be betrayed like that. I don't want to be "that girl" to fuck it up. If you've got a good thing going for you, you should do what you can to keep it that way. Guys are pigs, but who am I to be talking.
Happy Birthday month to me. Ironically, this will probably be the loneliest month of the year.

mystery perception

2011-08-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

I try not to delete any of my old posts, no matter how stupid it seemed or how irrelevant it is now. Because although many do show an ugly past, too many emotions, weakness, and a certain level of nonsense; it's clear certain posts were reflections of what I was going through/feeling at the time. Each publication, no matter how embarrassing, was a part of my past. Why even hide it when I should just accept it?

For the past four years, there are handfuls of people that have described me in a single, redundant word.
Mysterious.
I found myself rejecting the idea and denying the fact that I was indeed, mysterious. Convincing myself that everyone with that claim all was just a little unleveled in the head. Well MAYBE IF YOU GOT TO KNOW ME RIGHT?

Well I've gotten this from relatives, family friends, friends, and lovers. It only recently hit me when a friend (one I've know for years) described me with that very word. I didn't mind that certain acquaintances told me so, because I have no close relations with them. I didn't mind when relatives told me, cause it wasn't like they saw me on the daily. I didn't even mind when people I would be talking talking to, told me I was too mysterious for them. Too much of a challenge to get to know. Too tough of a cookie to crack. A puzzle that was never meant to be solved.
I was taken with surprise when she admitted it. Someone I've known since diaper days.

How would I go about being... open? Haven't I been doing that? Are my walls too high for any prince charming to scale? Am I forever going to be stuck in my own little world I have no control over?

Come and try to shatter this illusion of mystery if you dare. I doubt I have trust issues, but that would be such a simple way to put it.

2011-08-20T02:25:00.001-07:00

Haven't been needing to write out my problems. Don't got none.
Been real happy lately (:

I miss

2011-08-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Too much time isn't always a good thing. Glad to end the summer on a good note :) No facebook for a while, going MIA for a little bit. It's been nice. Gotta get back on that SAT grind. Hopefully I'll be able to cross off another thing from my bucket list next week. Speaking of which, I had a deep fried twinkie recently! Finally, haha.

I like running the beach, but I don't like seeing people I know. I fail with insanity, after two weeks it was just kinda dragging. No time and I like to shower right after and whatnot. I think I'm being good now. Things are good. I want to repaint my room but I need to find people that would want to help! aaaaahhhhh. Hahaha. I hope to be able to see and kickit with everyone before they go for college. I miss having lunch dates.
I miss rain. I miss feeling a little lonely. I miss cuddling. I miss the snow. I miss staying up to sneak out. I miss looking for certain people in the hall but when I see them, turn the other way. Lol. Do I miss school? omg, wow.

I miss deciding what to do after school. I miss always buying chocolates. I miss roaming. I miss the cigarettes and coffee combo. I miss fireplaces. I miss pumpkin pies. I miss red starbucks cups. I miss trying to avoid people AKA hide-and-seek on park st. I miss the few sunny days where the gf's plan to tan for a day. I miss walking my dog. I miss riding bikes to new places. I miss borders. I miss my dad. I miss movies afterschool. I miss a lot of things. Feeling nostalgic of fall/winter. Gotta make the most of the upcoming holidays, it's the last one I'll be spending in the bay.

I'm a little scared to move, but I think it's for the best. Time to get away from everyone and restart.
I know I have plenty of time to say my farewells, but time flies. It's going to be senior year.

I miss being an underclassmen. I miss meeting everyone. I miss all the hours spending doing the weirdest things. I miss crushing on upperclassmen. I miss befriending them. I miss the moment I found out they're craycray. I miss the drama. I miss football games. I miss "just cause" phonecalls. I miss so many little things. I miss being in a ~~relationship~~. SIKE. I miss just having someone to be sweet too. I miss having company. I miss when the living room carpet didn't smell like jimbo -_______-. I miss people that care. I miss the homeaid get well kits. I miss the v-day cards. I miss spirit days (expect PJday last jr. year). I miss JJ. I miss Rufus and Cesar. I miss Bear. I miss speedy. I miss Mimi and Micheal Jordan. I miss yoyo. I miss animals in general.

2011-07-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

Instead of pouring out the truth to you and telling you wsup anymore, I'm just going to tell you what you wanna hear. I don't give a fuck anymore, what's the point of telling me to be honest when you don't care if I really tell you bitch? Why would I want to be friends with someone that expects so much more but treats me so much less?

2011-07-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

"I'd rather spend every night crying alone on the bedroom floor than to ever be that girl."

Hits home

2011-07-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Every time I'm set on what I want to do and where I stand with everyone, someone kinda just gets in my head and just changes things around. I'm not confused, but someone just always has to open another door to a different perspective right when I thought I would have it figured out.
I don't know if it's a good thing, because right now, I just need some consistency in life. Deep down, I know they're all right. Even if I don't want to see it that way, it's more than likely that unspoken thoughts could be possibly reciprocated.
But I do know one thing forsure. I just want to focus on me until I have time. After some stability and consistency is established, maybe will I want to pursue other options, but until then, my growing curiosity of what the answer will never be extinguished. However, no need to worry. I won't ask and put you through that awkward situation where you have to lie to my face just to get what you want again.

Maybe later, but never again with you. I don't want to say it was a mistake trusting you, but it was an experience. No matter how long and what you go through with people, just remember that the closer you are, the more hurt you will be when they eventually fuck you over. And they will.

2011-07-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

My jam back in the day.

2011-07-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

Feenin' for a fix, it's been quick minute now. After weeks and days of impatiently waiting, I finally get my one-on-one time with you >:] Tonight, you are all mines. Hope ya hungry, cause I know I will be. I meticulously made extensive, details, plans for tonight. Let us roam the darkened night together and rediscover what we were never looking for. FUCK what everyone else has to say about us. Forget the past and let go of things that are hurting us. We have our own trials and tribulations. I know we can do it, you know why? You have the courage to do what everyone before you couldn't do. Trust me.
I fucking love you for that.

2011-07-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and tired of telling people to back off. It's disgusting and people like you give males their bad stereotypes. I'm sure every girl out there has to deal with this at least once in their lives. Is that really how your momma raised you to act? Don't ever, EVER approach a female that way. It's stupid and degrading. You really expect to get some when you treat a female like that. I swear. I don't know how to say this without sounding self-absorbent, but really, this happens to every girl.
It's like I have to walk around 3 extra blocks to avoid walking through the construction area up ahead because they're all scary as fuck. I like my alone time but I hate when I'm just talking a walk or something and some damn scrubs just roll up next to you saying stupid shit or honk at you or whatever. I hate walking through southshore alone because there's always some man in a pickup truck that just drives by and stares. All of this shit gives me the shivers and is creepy as fuck. Like these people are probably husbands, dads, have a family. Fucking nasty af. Like when a car full of guys really have nothing better to do that try to get at people by yelling dumbass lines at the passersby. I hate when people I don't/barely know call me babe. Get gone with that shit. I aint your babe, baby, bbygrl, sweetiepie, etc. Such inappropriate behavior is tolerated by women everyday. I mean what can you do? Nothing, the best you can do is just ignore them and get outta there asap. That shit is so annoying. Ughhhhh. What's worse is when I comes from people you know. Gtfo.

2011-07-20T17:22:00.001-07:00

What sucks the most is knowing I didn't deserve the truth. Not the fact that you didn't tell me, but how you could sit there and lie to my face about it. That's when I realized that you're actually not that great.

You know the truth hurts, but lies kill.

2011-07-16T02:07:00.001-07:00

I like beginnings because they’re so full of promise. The first page of a book. The first day of a job. The first time you get flowers. The first date with a new man. The first touch. The first kiss. The first kick of a good liquor. The first moment you hold your own baby. I like beginnings because I know there’s always more to come.

"I just hated how you were always so busy, but made time for everything but me."

2011-07-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

2011-07-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

It's funny how predictable people can be.
I find that now when I hangout with different groups of people, I tend to be happier around those that are most successful. Those doing something with their lives, perusing something tangible, bettering themselves. I don't know why, but just experimenting with this feeling, I just kinda picked up that this has always been.

I don't know how to explain it. Not to say that I don't like to hangout with people that don't go to school or have a job and whatnot, but with these certain groups of people, I feel so much more, happy.
There ov'course is drama, but a lot less. And less tension. Everyone wants each other to feel good. People have your back. They look out for your greater interests and help you get places.
vs. the other groups of people that I still hold dear to my heart, but for some reason, they're just, not the same. There's really no way I can explain this to everyone without sounding like a biased asshole.

Sometimes I'm in love with the people I surround myself with. I really am. These people, idk. They've just been so good to be through everything.

Love is a little messy

2011-06-28T02:26:00.000-07:00

What do you really want in a guy? What is your ideal guy?
I feel like this is a common topic of gossip between girl unhappy with their love lives. Haha, it's interesting what people really want. I mean, most girls want the typical, cookie-cutter, image of their ideal man. But what that happens to come up the most seems to be their "presentabilitly", either to family and/or friends.
The list of traits to fit the perfect criteria of an "ideal man" is a long list of contraindications. Manly, yet sensitive. Predictable, yet spontaneous. Gives you your space, but has to know when to fight for you. Etc, etc, etc. The list is forever and I will not attempt to name them all.

What I look for in a guy, or just any person, is just how real they can be with me. I feel as though this is one of the more important things I look for in people, because honestly, rarely anyone can be REALLY real with anybody these days.
I don't want someone to put up a front with me. Although helpful, physical attraction isn't the leading factor that determines what I like about a person. I don't know why, but I'm repelled by situations where I meet someone at a party type environment, then to start talking to them. I don't want a nigga to game me up like I'm the only female he talks to. I want a person that can truly be honest with me, speak his mind, and be real with me. Not excessively blunt and rude, but just straight up. I'd rather have that best friend typa love, where you know each other better than everyone else, and slowly begin to fall for each other. I'm tired of the lack of consistency from simply meeting someone, getting their number, and just text and phone them. It's so typical these days. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want something genuine.

I don't know how to explain it. I just watched A Night in Paris and it just got me thinking. About how much I love the simple things. Little things do matter. It's ALWAYS been the little things that people do for me that make me go head over heels.

2011-06-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,

I know with you I'm always making decisions. I'm glad I made the right one yesterday. I'm entirely grateful that I didn't go drink last night. I'm sure that would have resulted in numerous difficulties considering "the situation". I'm glad I choose to reconnect instead. I'm glad that he choose me over smoking. I really needed that talk last night, just to talk. I mean I can think it all to myself, but actually letting someone know whats going on puts things in perfect perspective for me. I'm glad that some people have good intentions and still try to put effort into a friendship that doesn't even have to exist. I know I'm stubborn to a lot of people, but I'm glad that I found something better to do last night. I'm grateful for having him as a friend, because I feel like no matter where we go in life, how things may change, and wherever our paths may lead, he always tries to somehow fade back into my life. I don't know why, but I'm just so grateful for friends like that.

Sincerely,

Happy

2011-06-24T18:10:00.001-07:00

“I’m a slut because I’ll wear shorts & a tanktop, I’m anorexic because I eat as much as I want & don’t gain weight, I’m a bitch because I don’t let you push me around, I’m a liar because I won’t tell you everything, I’m stupid because sometimes I’m wrong, I’m ugly because my face isn’t perfect, I’m a whore because I like boys, I’m annoying because I’m not chill enough, I’m a loser because I’m not friends with your group, I’m weird because I’m not like you, I’m controlling because I get mad sometimes, I’m clingy because I like to be around people, I’m greedy because I like to be satisfied, I’m naive because I’m younger than you, I’m conceited because I’m proud of who I am, I’m rude because my manners aren’t perfect, I’m unappreciative because I don’t praise you. Don’t try to tell me who I am because I already know.”

2011-06-24T16:55:00.001-07:00

I can't stand to do this anymore. I just don't precisely know how to stop the impending desolate state of this vague happiness. Never did I have the forbearance to transmute this damn undertaking, which I never agreed to by the way. I've lumbered carelessly through this unaltered turmoil before, I just find it hard to believe that I let my transient stroll down memory lane reciprocate back to my old cycle. I've only set myself up for disappointment. This cycle of regenerating invigoration to languishing myself away when things don't go my way.

Reeks a pungent odor of familiarity doesn't it? Which brings certainty in a quick excursion. Hopefully.

2011-06-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

You must not wholeheartedly comprehend the objective of my motives and actions. The point is to NOT get involved, or it was at first. I'm trying to use you, stop changing my mind.

2011-06-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

The famous kissing couple at the Vancouver riot.

A kiss that will go down in history alongside many other infamous smooches.

2011-06-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to travel. Take a year off or something to see what the world has to offer. But everyone knows you need money for that. I knew I should have pursued the presidential position in Leo or joined build-on to potentially have a shot at going to Africa. Building schools for little African children, that's wonderful karma.

“The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don’t care at all.”

2011-06-12T03:35:00.001-07:00

The Notebook

2011-06-12T03:15:00.001-07:00

2011-06-12T02:55:00.001-07:00

Strange as it seems, I've always wanted windows like this. Overlooking something scenic with a sitting/sleeping area in front. This is perfect.

2011-06-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from men.

2011-06-11T03:40:00.001-07:00

People like you are why I don’t like talking about my past. If you wanted to get to me, you did. Why would you go to such great lengths to gain my trust just to fuck me over once you get it? Honestly, the one thing I didn’t think I would ever tell anyone, you got it out of me. & then you’re going to twist my words around and call me out as something you just want to me see be. Who’s the immature one?

You’re a lot of things, but I didn’t think you’d stoop this low. If you hate me, just tell me and get the fuck over it. You don’t have to be tryna in-directly starting online drama. If you really want to use secrets in this war, I have a lot more on you than you do on me. Honestly, fucking THINK before you put things out like that. It’s so easy to hate you but I’m the bigger person, figuratively and literally.

I’m not even mad. I’m just completely disappointed.

Damn, I was so heated that day. At least own up to that shit too. I'm not going to sit by and watch you trash my reputation, so when I call you out on it, own up. Too bad you're to pussy and just decided to lie to my face about it, haha. You are so dumb, foreaaals. Honestly, I hope you get knocked off your high horse. Your enormous ego overshadows the size of your already inflated head buddy. And I'm not the only one that feels this way.

2011-06-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

It takes more than just words to hurt me. Unless they happen to be particularly truthful words, strung together in exceptionally observant sentences.

2011-06-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

To think back on how different I was a year ago. I've grown so much, just maybe not in the right ways. But I've definitely changed. Looking back on the old me, it feels like several years ago instead of just one. I'm happy with the present day me. People change, it's the inevitable fact of life. If there is anything you can count on to be sure of with life, it's death, taxes, and change.
Probably some people liked the old me better, because I have to admit, I dropped some pretty good aspects of my mortality/ignorance; but I still believe knowledge will only further your understanding even if it's something you don't want to accept. Day to day, everything feels the same. But for some reason, when I look back on it all, everything's different. Isn't that wonderful? lol
People change and fade in and out of your life. What can you do? Nothing, just go with the flow. If you're willing to make an effort to be a part of my life, more power to you. If you choose to drift away, it's probably a conscious choice and I'll get the hint sooner or later. I'm not going to complain anymore. I'm happy that you're talking to me and I won't jump to conclusions because a lot of times, I wish I had the benefit of the doubt. And I guess I'll keep trying to talk to ____, but honestly, I'm the only one putting effort into what's left of our bond. So whatever happens, happens. Heres to a good last week of school. Congrats c/o 2011 and cheers to summer 2k11.

general update

2011-06-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

I'm my own worst enemy. Fuck generalizing, make your own definitions.
How do I feel right now? I don't know, and that's worse than any pain or emptiness there is.
So much time wasted, but I'm coming to terms with all my mistakes. After this, I'm cramming for finals. Gotta make tissuebox cheats, 1pg summary of 1900s-1950s, poster presentation with debatable sides, powerpoint final project, Othello quotes, memorize Shakespeare lines, and the mf'in shield + sentences for the Spanish final! I'm fucking glad my TV broke cause I would be on netfilx all fucking day. Leo event was cancelled this morning even though I got completely ready and now I'm dressed up to study -_________-
Plus I have to do laundry! So many things, so little time. That's what you get for always choosing to go out and procrastinating instead of staying home to do things. It's funny because my dad called but I said I'd call him back later that night. I actually called a week later. Why does he still try to make amends? I mean not that I'm not grateful that he wants to, but knowing the circumstances, I don't want to be sneaking around behind my moms back. Well to see my dad anyways. He wants to open a bank account for me,
Speaking of rekindling relationships, I don't know why you even text me. I haven't talked to you in how long? Why do you want to start now? If you didn't want to be friends before, why now? I mean I'm fine with it. But it's a little sketchy. If I was your girlfriend, I wouldn't approve what you're doing. So maybe we should just keep the talking to a minimum.
I haven't burned in the fucking longest time and I remember why. I don't like being high, or at least, that body high/lit for hours feeling. I hate feeling stupid. Ugh, okay no more till I really need it.
It's more of a love hate thing. That's why I can't be messin' with the thug niggas. I don't know why, but I find stoges so much more repulsive after I stopped, not that I really started. I mean a few is fine, but it's just a turn off now. S'all good. I think the real reason I'm not an addict is bc that shit takes a hit off the wallet.
I just cried. Idk why, not in a sad way. I've been crying randomly lately. For no reason, just because. Not cause I'm sad, mad, or happy. Just because I don't know. It feels really good afterwards though.
But yeah, for the most part I've been doing alright in life. Well maybe average. Grade C+/B-
Well I'll stop rambling, OKAY BYE! This blog is so unquality ever since I started rambling and ranting. Not that it ever was but everyone can't be serious all the time.

2011-06-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

I remember my first glimpse of her face,
I saw you smile, then I smiled
I was straight blown away
Mesmerized by your beauty, from your feet to your hands
How could one be so beautiful?
I don’t understand
Heaven sent, God’s gift without a doubt in my mind
Sometimes I wonder why our paths decided to collide
We started off as perfect strangers
Boy meets girl, infatuation to love
Now you’re my whole entire world

2011-06-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

The good ones are foreal gay, taken, too young, or famous. But yeah, I hate walking home, even though I rarely do. But I do like it when you offer to walk me home. Even though I decline, it's the thought that counts. & even though it's so out of your way. Sometimes I'd rather walk with someone that have them give me a ride. Cause instead of listening to the radio, having everything else drown out our thoughts, we can actually focus on having a legit conversation. You don't have to focus on driving and we can just converse about life and be all cute. Sometimes I'm too much of a girl. I miss being all cutesy with someone and texting people if I miss them. Which reminds me that phone calls in the shower only work with people you're close to or else they feel awkward. Haha. I miss just laying down next to someone and cuddling, lol. I'm such a fcking girl, I hate it. Haha, I miss it cause falling asleep and waking up next to not just anyone, but someone you like has got to be the best feeling ever. ~~Next to sex.~~ Kidding, sex is over-rated. How bout chex? Waking up to someone you like and having your favorite cereal?! Sounds like a happy morning (: Let the summer sleepovers begin!

2011-06-04T03:51:00.001-07:00

That feeling you get when you see something that upsets you and your stomach drops and a lump forms in your throat and your eyes swell with tears and your body begins to shake and your heart is racing and your head is spinning and you feel the blood drain from your face and it feels as if you’re about to explode and then that first tear drops and you just break down as your body uncontrollably shakes and you gasp for air as you choke back tears.

2011-05-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

It was weak of me to go find someone to confide it, to take shelter. To just use someone. To play with people just because I'm still hurt. Just because MY life isn't going the way it should.
But don't worry, I won't bring you down with me.
I'll stop it soon. As soon as I'm stable
Clean cuts, open wounds, and scars with stories. That's all it will amount to, but thank you for everything. - November 13, 2010

From my very first post. I'm very good at predicting what will happen, yet I still engage in the act because of a little something called hope, or maybe just weakness.
Well it's happening all over again. Nothing is set in stone, but whenever I want someone, they're always there, just for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you just appreciate the company, but something unwillingly brings two people together. I guess it's all part of life, but I hate the fact that you have to go through so many people to really find out who actually cares and who's just curious.

I can tell this will lead to something that might consume what's left of me if it goes badly, but I'm always willing to take that risk because I just want comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel. Thanks for being there when the people I thought would, weren't.
But then again, I'm sure your motives are not as pure as they would seem. At this point, I don't care. You've been the only one that's been listening to my problems, and for that, I really thank you.

Before high school

2011-05-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Myself in 2008. Really, what was I doing?

Middle school nicknames & relationships.

People change so much, lol.

Flipflop tan lines

Foyer lunch days

Moreno 07' camping trips with the white kids.

The Berryessa rock

Baby Jimbo, sup.

Had to make all these pictures really small cause the quality is super bad since they only exist on my really old photobucket. Haha, so reminiscent. Good times though, why don't I have these on my computer?

2011-05-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate myself too.
I hate myself for forcing myself to be mad.
Then trying to make other people mad too.

But why is he any different? I don't know why he doesn't fucking get mad.
Why is he so nice after I've been so distant and rude.. it gives me hope.
But then I remember you shouldn't hope for anything cause when it doesn't happen your heart will break. Which makes me mad that he isn't mad. But at the same time, I'm very happy.

But that's a dangerous feeling. Fleeting and temporary.

On a lighter note
I had lunch with "fan" today. I meant to cut things off and complete the closure, but when I'm around "fan:", it's all smiles. He dented my little heart! I was this close to cancelling, but slice pulled through and we all kinda went together. Yeah, idk. I don't know what to do with the people in my life. I hate them, but I love them. Hasn't it always been this way?

For this "group", i don't know if I want to be a part of it. Or the other group as well. I don't want to invest my time in friendships that don't last. It's highschool and why does it seem like no matter how happy we are now, there are always people talking shit about other people in these groups? I have secrets too. I would never want to be exposed in that manner. Devious little bitches. But at the same time, these are the people I'm surrounded by. There are no secrets. I hate that.

But I really should be working in the drama department. I'm a fucking wonderful actor. Pretending my life is okay and that it isn't slowly falling apart and that my family isn't dying and thinking I'm going to do well on finals. Putting up a front, leave the house with a smile to hid those insecurities, and strut through the day selling my happiness. I'm just wonderfully wonderful.
It's okay. I'll use what I can to make myself feel better and fuck them over in the end. Cause that's life, and everyone has to learn. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry or bitter, I'm just wonderful. Duh.

2011-05-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Goodness. Stop asking me to burn with you. It's really not going to happen.
Which reminds me, I find it kind of uncomfortable when the girlfriends tell me every aspect of their sex life. I mean, keep it general, the details are unnecessary. I know high sex feels great, and how he does that tongue thing, and how waking up to his morning wood poking your ass is wonderful, but that's kind of something that's better left unsaid girls. LOL <3
No lie, the sweetest girls happen to be the horniest.

2011-05-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

When have I actually taken my own advice?
But I should, esp. with rule#2
Gotta have more faith in your people, cause some of them actually do listen.

But it sucks, cause even now, I still find myself distancing myself away from close friendships. Once a group or people form together, it's hard to trust some people. Actually, it's quite easy. But once you think someone's got your back, it's that easy for them to turn around and stab you. Haha, can't be letting my guard down around guys either. Once they sweep you off your feet, it's that easy for them to drop you on your ass.

But like I said, I should have more faith in people. Just cause some people don't care, doesn't mean all of them don't. I love them regardless, sure I get annoyed with everyone at one point, but that's life.
Don't regret cause at one point, it was exactly what you wanted.

I should stop assuming the worst in people. I think that's why I stopped being close to so many people. I was brainwashed, but it's invigorating to be released from such ignorance.
& meeting new people is always a good thing. Isn't it weird how you find yourself opening up to a complete stranger about things in your life you are hesitant telling your best friends about?

I remember one time, I started talking to _____ again. I mean we knew each other since the beginning of high school. We started texting each other but you know how I am with keeping up with conversations. They always die out. Anyways, we started talking more this year. When I actually hung out with him, we burned and ended up sharing our entire life story with each other. We found out how similar our situations were when all this time we thought we were alone in this. Can you imagine? Never really talking to someone at all, ever. Then kickin' it with them one day and knowing their entire past? From strangers to knowing more about me than most of my friends. Crazy right? Maybe not for some, but I would never think I would ever share any part of my life to someone I just started hanging out with. You find out that the happy-go-lucky, down for anything, chill ass person has had their share of tribulations as well.
Whatever, I'm just rambling now. I ramble when I have nothing to say, but I feel as though I'm obligated to let the world know anyways.

You know, some people wouldn't even bother read this.
Other might read over it and just forget about it.
But a hand full will read every word and actually care enough to.... well you know.

I just want to get myself out of this mindset. I have to find an alternative way to it though. I was never used to just putting myself out there like that.

(& although no matter how much I complain about structured writing, I feel like free writing simply doesn't due it justice. Like my pieces are subject to degradation every time I let myself go. I'm not going lie, it doesn't just come naturally. It's a progressive thing.)

2011-05-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

You know the relationship is coming to an end when you start thinking about how the beginning used to be.

Three simple rules

2011-05-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never get it.
If you don't ask, the answer will always be no.
If you don't step forward, you will always be in the same spot.

2011-05-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

An anon on tumblr linked this to me. Whoever it is..... thanks. I don't know if there's actually a message behind it, but if there is.... damn. Yeah, but good song. Made me feel better either way (:

Excerpt

2011-05-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

"What am I to you?
Someone you can cuddle in bed, have sex with, and when you're done and satisfied, disregard like an old shoe?.....You see, I was obedient, quiet, undefiant. A client to your needs, wishing you would prescribe me a heave does of reality. Someone to reel-out-to-me a true catch in this gigantic sea. They say love is like falling off a building, it doesn't hurt till it ends. But unlike falling off a building, you can learn from your mistakes, reconstruct and mend. Cause in love, there are always some rules you can bend.
So tell me, what am I to you?
Answer the damn question, cause I don't got a clue."

2011-05-18T02:02:00.000-07:00

The end of the end
The end of a beginning
The beginning of a new beginning
The final beginning of the end.

If you love me let me know, if you don't let me go.

2011-05-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

Whatever ever happened to love and being happy
Infatuated with lust, I loved you and now I’m backwards
Time is of the essence, I broke it, took it for granted
Love is like art, heartbroken on the canvas
Painted the perfect picture, you seemed to never get it
Colors prevail and you turn into a fucking monster
Schizophrenic, nicknames Bonnie and Clyde
Now doctors calling us Mr. and Mrs. High

-Tyga

2011-05-16T19:36:00.001-07:00

They say there's a reason for everything, but what if we are just attaching reasons to mere nothings?

2011-05-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Although there is no particle reason to analysis the past, looking back, you're intentions were all kinds of fucked up. Not actually intentionally, but seeking companionship for all the wrong motives. I recall how much you always said, "I want a girlfriend" or things along those lines. Now I realized, you didn't. Not for the right reasons anyways.

You merely wanted someone to share your thoughts with. Someone to cuddle, hold hands, look cute with. Do all those romantic lovey-dovey type of shit with. You didn't account for the variables and obstacles that would prove to pose a threat to your initial goal. I guess you were just kind of tired of being alone, and since you weren't the player type, I assumed you could never hurt me. But it wasn't so much of a fault to label. It's okay to feel lonely sometimes, and okay to act on those feelings. I knew they were genuine, however, just not for the right reasons. Some people are meant to fall for each other, but maybe just not meant to be with each other.

You taught me, fate doesn't exist. You choose to pursue me because your fortune cookie told you so. And what if it had said otherwise? It was almost a movie-line beginning, but ended like a bittersweet poetry.

Fate and destiny are merely concepts. If you really want something, you gotta reach out and grab it.

But you know what's really sad? Being a stepping stone for everyone in my past. Helping them get better, only to leave without me. It's always been that way, and so far, it pretty much seems like it always will.

2011-05-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

I specifically recall this guy that use to harass me every single day via virtual words over the internet/text or verbally through the phone. The lemme try to get at this girl by calling her names every motherfckin day approach didn't work to well. I legit got scared to kickit in public when he said he was coming to Alameda. He would randomly know who I was guna be with and had their numbers and shit. Scared the fuck outta me, yet I would still answer his middle of night calls occasionally. I was talking to someone else at that time, and I told him about it. He was kinda mad, but in the end, all the said to me was, handle it the way you want to handle it.

I did. He's no longer a problem.

Moral of the story: I have my moments, but in the end, I'll get it done.

2011-05-16T16:12:00.001-07:00

2011-05-16T15:56:00.001-07:00

You're looking down on me because I give a fuck? Because I care?

You might be prettier than me and have more friends than me. You might hang out with hotter guys than me and get fucked up more than me. Even have more clothes and money than me, and not give a fuck about school, unlike me. Unlike me, you might be carefree. But one day, you're going to wish you stayed true to who you were, like me. Because you'll have nothing except a damaged liver, dying lungs, and memories of fake ass friends you don't even talk to anymore. So don't talk shit about me or my lifestyle, because one day, you're going to wish it was yours.

2011-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

If it's possible to fall in love, it's possible to fall out of love. But because you are not in-love with that person, it doesn't mean you stop loving them. You can love anyone, but if you're in love, unconditionally, it doesn't matter what he or she looks like, no matter what he or she does, says, or how they change, they'll always have a place in your heart.

2011-05-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements; like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

2011-05-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hayao Miyazaki was really the epitome of my Asian childhood. I've been re-watching his old classics and seen them in a new light. They really bring you back to that innocence and imaginative sensory that can be only experienced as a child.
There's just something about his animations that make it so great, great enough to captivate the western world and even had a recent remake of Ponyo.
It makes you believe, and if you've never been touched by his films, you're a deprived child.
It's not the same watching it when you're older. You have to watch it as a kid. It affects you differently.

But anyways, going to watch all of them over the summer forsure! I need another movie buddy. I learned my lesson, never have a movie buddy if you're going to be watching Korean dramas. That shit goes on forever. The never-ending love story where it's pretty obvious they end up together or someone dies.

Well that's all. Just a tribute to the animation einstein.

That misery business

2011-05-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Just watch my wildest dreams come true.
Not one of them involving you.

2011-05-10T02:22:00.000-07:00

I always feel so damn foolish for feeling the way I feel! Ugh. Why am I the one that feels hurt even after leaving to try and feel better? I feel like a fool for believe everything he said and thinking that he was different from everyone else. That'd he'd really try and fight for me and stick it through till the end. Well.. two months aint so bad I guess. I mean, crying on your anniversary aint so bad. Forgetting the second anniversary is not so cruel. I mean, bawling your eyes til their red and getting yelled at by your teacher for crying on Valentines day aint so bad. Then having to cut school to go home and cry some more aint THAT bad. I mean, every time you're upset, you're friends go "it's him huh"? cause they automatically know without me saying anything, it aint so bad. I mean, never getting a chance to talk isn't so bad. I mean, letting my grades drop and being deprived of my sleep really isn't THAT bad. I mean, going to bed angry and hating the world for making me be so "in love", isn't so bad. I mean, wanting to give my all and letting the walls come down, only to be abandoned isn't as bad as it seems. I mean, I'll be okay. Just not right now. But I will be.

2011-05-10T02:11:00.000-07:00

If you love something, you let it go.
If it comes back, it was always yours to begin with.

What the fuckery is that? If that's true, my life must be depressing as hell. I let a lot of things go, but not hoping they'd come back. It'd be nice though, to have something come back to you automatically.

If I let my dog out on it's own because I love him and I want him to go free, he'd never come back and he'd probably be hit by a car. The unfortunate truth.

2011-05-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

Omg, EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. NoFucking AM Kidd and relationship songs. YEUCK (:

It's NOT OK to talk about marriage

2011-05-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

NOT even as a joke. Just don't go there. IF we were to get married, our life would be a little like this.

Talk about a sad, unhappy, pathetic marriage with no freedom, support, trust and constant yelling everyday. From being unappreciated for the things I do to having disabled kids cause of all the 2nd hand smoke I get while pregnant. And we'd living off my money while I work cause you refuse to get a higher education. Then gambling our welfare check away cause "the boys" told you to go shoot. Then our children would grown up without a father figure, so I will be forced to move back in with my parents and get custody of Jaden and Jada cause I found out you cheated and is an abusive drunk. And this is all after our cat and dog died because you set them on fire while you were high. You refuse to lose the kids so you fight for them in court even though you've been deemed and unfit parent. Therefore, I must spend the next several year fighting the american legal system to save our kids from living with you. What a life.

DOES THAT SOUND RIGHT? Sounds pretty on point to me.

If you ever bring that shit up again, it better the day you actually ask me. Cause I ALREADY know that you never mean what you say, so don't EVER say that shit to be. Anything that even suggests us together in the future.... don't. Unless you mean it. Which you never do. So point is, DON'T.

It's OK to not be OK

2011-05-10T01:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm bitter and I'm letting stupid bullshit affect me. But what am I suppose to do? Act like it's not phazin' me when it is. SHIET. I'm going to let myself be stupid and naive, let myself go for a bit. Just to get over this and move on. When I finally thought I had closure, things keep changing up every fucking day! I'm so lost.

Honestly, I don't even care if I come off as a weak ass girl that got her ass played and tossed to the side. I'ma do whatever it takes to get over this bullshit. I'ma set up a state of the art security system with snipers and guard dragons and a moat filled with electric piranhas to protect this wall from ever coming down again. Especially to the likes of YOU. I know I got issues but you're pretty messed up too. LOVE? That's just a word used by the mentally insane bro. I never wanted to be clingy, but I hated:

Not getting a text back. If you can't talk, just say brb or something, don't gotta leave me hanging.
Having to say "I'm fine" when clearly I'm not and having to force everyone to believe you.
Having to be informed that plans are cancelled last minute when telling me earlier would have saved me a shit load of trouble.
Having a good day and trying to be happy until that person comes along and ruins your day and makes the people you're with wonder where the fuck you went and why you come back crying. Then having to be interrogated and at a loss of words cause you always tell them how great and wonderful he always is.
Feeling sick and tired and unmotivated to get up because you already know going out and doing ANYTHING will land you in a shitload of arguments later. But on the other hand, he can go do whatever.
Not getting enough sleep cause I'm waiting for a call that I don't want to miss and then I end up not being able to sleep while after 5 minutes into the call, they're already snoring like a baby.
Being ignored and just purposely neglected cause they don't give a rat's ass... at the moment.
Crying myself to sleep after a terrible argument or phone call and always having to be the one that tries and text/call back, only to get no response/a voice-mail.
Not being missed when they were constantly on my mind while they were busy cause they were talking to someone else, getting drunk, partying, clubbing, smoking, rubbing their dicks on other girls asses, etc.
Saying "I love you" and "I care about you", but only meaning it in the moment he says it. When he's with his friends, kickin' it with other girls, doin' his own thing, you don't really mean a damn thing to him.

"They say you never know what you got till its gone, but truth is, you always knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it."

Every time I think I might get weak and go back to you, I'll refer myself back to this list of only SOME of the things you always did to piss me the fuck off.

It's not safe nor is it better

2011-05-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself pouring my little bitch problems out here. Going against my pact.
Because no matter how great a facade I can create, nothing is okay anymore.

I heard them say He's coming back. Possibly living with us. With me, in the same house. How is this going to happen to me. When I thought I escaped the past, everything always finds a way of catching up. I hate this. I hate you. I refuse. I hate everything. I sound silly and childish. Immature and unreasonable. But if that's how you choose to define youth, then so be it. I'm leaving this place.
If He comes back, comes here.. I'm leaving this place. No where to go? I don't care, as long as it's no where near Him. Is this the reason for all the nightmares recently? Are you here to stay? Why the hell did you decide to return? Please, just leave me and my family alone so I can forget this once and for all.

2011-04-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Did some critical thinking and well...at least I'm trying.
I'm going to stop doing this to myself, but it's still hard. It always is. I mean, constant reminders from inanimate objects or meaningless places that used to represent a reminiscent memory that just pains you to think about.
But that will eventually change and all fade into the past. I'm not hoping for a future, I just want it to be left unknown. No promises. Let everything heal itself, time has its own healing properties. Mind over matter, but matter comes first.

To my loyal group of creepers, (lol, I traced your punkasses while procrastinating on homework) I'll be going mia from this for a while. I promise to not return until it's safe and life's better. Best believe I'll be back in the summer, no one is stopping me from taking full advantage of my last summer of highschool. See you soon!

Update

2011-04-23T01:46:00.000-07:00

So I've surpassed the amount of posts I've had on my main blogger finally, but ov' course, that one contain actual substance. Haha, everyone better start prayin'. Donald Trump is running for president! Lord help America.

Ok, well I'm just kinda waiting for things to fall in line. Nbd, just doing whatever fills the times. Tmwr's my brother's bday but moms working. Well today I guess. Suppose to go to Santa Cruz, but no ones really there for him. I mean, my dad called today. It was.. different. I don't pity the relationship I have with him anymore. I don't feel the need to mend and reconstruct. I guess that's what happens with everything in time. I guess I can give up a day of fun for family, but it's just what you make of it right? Anyways, I like when old friends reconnect with ya. I like being refreshed and not constantly being let down and disappointed by the people that mean something to me. It's nice to have someone actually listen to your problems and help you through that shit yeekno?

I'm shocked. I think it's time to really let go. To.. not forget, but keep going on. I just feel like I shouldn't just let it be, but at the same time, I'm tired of trying to make it work. There's always a problem, complication, argument, or just another disappointment. I'm glad for the friends I have, although sometimes they're a bit bipolar. I'm just trying to love my life and be grateful, for everything. I don't want to be sad or always looking for something that won't be there. I'm ready to give in and give up. Lately, I've just been hoping for a change from a typical situation that will forever let me down. In the long term, nothing is ever going to change about it. I'm always going to be the one that gets played and gets hurts. I've given it time, space, distance, and several chances, but now, I guess it's nearing the end. I can tell because you don't care anymore. I shouldn't either. I'll get there I guess, just give me time.
I never in my life thought I'd be the one to be hurting. I was never able to fall this hard to let myself to be susceptible to this kind of pain. But it's good, my wall will be rebuilt twice as tall and three times as thick. Back to square one, havin' fun. I hope.

2011-04-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

You're reading this because you've been snooping, nosey, or just happened to stumble onto this page.
But it doesn't matter. If I know you or if you're my best friend. I fully understand that anything you put online is open to anyone so I shouldn't be complaining. It's just that, I have everything on HERE for a reason. It's not to please you or get attention. I could careless if you read everything a judge me. It's really, just how I feel and things I write on impulse. Eventually, it will change. Everything does. I mean, just because you read some stuff about me, it doesn't mean you know me. You'll find out where I live, but it doesn't tell you where I'm from and what I've been through. You can know what school I go to, but you won't really know what I experiance I'll gain because you aren't me. You might know my name, but fuck. You don't know me.
So really, whether I know you or not, if you're going to talk about it, make sure I don't hear it.
Unslick mother fucks.

Modifications

2011-04-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

I hate thinking about it but it sporadically crosses my mind every once in a while and the haunting images are pretty much frozen in my brain. I really hate when something someone says or does and it just brings it all back. I mean, if you were trying to hurt me, you completed the task with flying colors. I end up pushing it to the back of my mind, but at the end of the day, it's still lingering in my thoughts. These thoughts, burned in my subconscious, draws up feelings of doubt and betrayal. It hurts yakno? It tugs at my heart til it's about to break as my brain simultaneously tells me "I told you so". Pretty much just dilutes everything you've ever said to me, making it meaningless and fake. Many times, I want to believe you, more than anything. I want it to be easy, quick, and live happily ever after, but again, this aint no fairytale. I don't believe the ignorance is bliss concept, but I wish I never found out. I wish I never knew, never saw, never heard, never read, and never let it get it me. I unconsciously tally all your slip ups and use it to retaliate whenever I'm convinced otherwise. This is something that will always effect our relationship. No matter how long, I think this would be something I keep coming back to. You made it so easy. You just do you. You can go out, party, drink, smoke, club, fuck bitches, get money. While you do that, I'll be in school; studying, doing work, stressing over high school drama, dealing with my family. I mean, if I do succeed, I can be doing everything you're doing a couple years down while I'm in college. I think it will pave out properly, but it mostdef will not come easy. Which is my weakness, because I'm in some serious lack of motivation lately. I mean, to be put through such feeling of stupidity and betrayal, you just want to forget and move on with your own things; cause hey, that's what they're doing right? Yeah, I still feel stupid. I don't regret it, but I feel like an idiot. Not that I am, but just because I am viewed that way from others. I have all reason to despise you. I should be cutting it off for good. It's hard to imagine, because through everything you said, you can still go out and do the things you do. I just don't understand why I'm not doing what's best for me. Why I keep putting myself through the pain, hoping it will still be worth it when the other party doesn't. What the fuck is wrong with me?

2011-04-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

Not worth fighting over the denial. I wish everything would just fall in place. Why do I spend tedious ticking minutes devoted to self-inflicted torture by obscuring my thoughts with you? Yeah I know the odds are stack against it, but the bittersweet truth is that the walls of my heart are paper thin and transparent. I want to be devoted. Scratch that, I already am. It's obvious that I want to take full advantage of the opportunity and make you mines. Unfortunately, it's never going to be that easy for me. What is this, a 90's love movie? No, it's reality. I know I can't promise that I'll make you happy forever and solve all your problems, but I guarantee that I want to be a part of your life. What does it take for this to be worth it? It's clear I'm into you, for you. I'm not using you for money, a car, gifts, free food, etc. I genuinely want this for what it is. I know it's not the best time in both our lives, and that's what's really holding us back I guess. I mean, look at the ages, the ridicule and insults, the lack of transportation, our family situations, not to mention the financial problems we face. But really, I could care less. The time I spend with you is timeless and priceless. What if we just took a chance? Oh right, we did. Look how it turned out. We both know what we want, and I'm committed to getting it no matter how long it's going to be. I just don't know if the feelings are mutual. If I had the guts, I would tell this all to your face. But everything became different. We kinda grew distant. I mean, I guess we both have the best intentions, but following through would be difficult to put it lightly.

I guess this is how things have to be. You say it just for now, but in many cases, it turns into forever.
Time heals everything right? No choice but to put that to the test.

If I was organized, I'd be dangerous

2011-04-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

2011-04-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

When we get together it's like something beautiful, art.
Thought I woulda known better, outsmart.
Got me under cardiac arrest, no heart.
Like I just died in a video game, restart.

But no lie, it's tearing me apart.

2011-04-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

Nights like this, I really wish I had someone to talk to and get it off my chest. I'm scared because I keep assuming the worse. Won't find out til next week I suppose. But the thing is, I don't want to talk to someone just cause they're bored. Sometimes, I feel like that's the worse. You only come to me when you're bored or need something. I refuse to be your source of entertainment. Honestly, you aint slick. If you wanna call, just do it. Don't say you're bored, what am I doing, if I'm busy, "entertain me", I miss talking to you, etc etc. Nah, can't be rollin' like that broski.

From the 100+ tumblr drafts

2011-04-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t wanna be with you anymore. I don’t wanna be a unit. I don’t wanna be a team. I don’t wanna partners in crime. I don’t wanna be secret lovers. I don’t wanna be open lovers. I don’t wanna be categorized with you. I don’t wanna be a part of your life anymore. Sorry. Not after what you’ve been doing, it just took me a while to realize.

It’s getting harder and harder to believe the things you say. I feel like you’re just saying it, just to say it, because it’s probably what is expected. This is the part where you get bored and tired of trying.

My only open secret. My larger half. Almost exactly a definite maybe.
Acting naturally in your presence, but never alone together
Didn’t really see this coming, but it was a definite possibility. Although you appeared as a genuine imitation, you had the same even odds as the rest of those original copies. Not like you were the only choice.
“Keep it simple.” I kept telling myself… More like simply complicated.
Trying to look from the outside in, I only came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as an unbiased opinion. Clearly confused in a minor crisis, there were no exact estimates as to how long the deafening silence lasted; becoming the only constant variable.
The wait only elongated freezer burn feel. I saw it coming, way to kill me with cruel kindness.
No rolling stops, it is forever a working holiday. In this virtual reality, there is no such thing as free love, my oxymoron.

I rarely trust anyone. I’m nice when I choose to be. Hard headed, soft hearted. Easily intimidated, hardly manipulated. Forced to be a bitch to get shit done. Life aint no walk on the beach, tuh.Whipping my sanity back and forth. BACK AND FOURTH FUCKER.

I could have gone out that night to carouse with you while over intoxicating myself, cause after a shitty day, you just wanna forget. You probably even are a decent person and a good companion behind your bane nature, because honestly, I just needed an escape.
What stopped me however, was the same reason I repudiated all your past offers. No, it wasn’t the fact that you constantly attempt to coax me with digital words but metamorphosize into a coy child in real life, nor your ability to paint an iridescent mural of your obtuse mind; but rather, our disparate morals. We are just too discordant to the point where you have adverse effects on my mood when I talk to you too much. Your actions are irrational and just illustrates how old you actually are. It’s irrefutable, you are the reason behind my massive migraines. Not trying to tamper with your feelings, so please leave me alone.

^^THISGUYWASSOANNOYING, lol.

Maaaaan, i stumbled upon memory lane today. I-tunes decided to jump playlists to all the oldies while I was cleaning. I found that bracelet I made for you but never had a chance to deliver it. I remember how you would remind me every single fucking day to make you that thing, and I used all my good colors on you. Didn’t know what to do with it, so I just gave it away. Then the toy, the cheap tourist trap toy I got for you cause you said it was your favorite. I planned on giving to you for Christmas, then your birthday, but it never happened. Then the rock.. I haven’t seen that thing in a while. It has a different meaning now I guess. You told me you still had mines too… hm. But damn, I’m glad were friends.

People do stupid impulsive things at night they know they will regret in the morning, but it doesn’t really stop them. So how do you see it, living till tomorrow, or living in the moment?

I start missing the feeling of just waiting for that one special person’s call. The butterflies in the feeling stomach, the cloud nine “head in the skies” sensation. The heart to heart conversations.. the 24/7 communication. I really do miss the love emotion. I miss the feeling of being tied down, but at the same time, i don’t want to be. I’m still young, and i do want to have fun. But i feel like my chances are slimming with you, and every minute that passes by, is every minute that i could’ve been with you that’s gone. I say i’m in no rush, and really i’m not, but internally I’m just a helpless person, searching discreetly for the piece that completes me. Day by day, couples pass me by, and i think to myself, am i the only one without a person that’s only mine? Sweet kisses on the cheek, goodnight and good-morning texts, I miss my head being in skies, because that natural high is way better when you have that special person by your side.

The only good thing I got out of it. Your determination has inspired me to pursue my own dreams.

I try to contain myself but I can’t restrain myself. I like the ego boost. Stupid Sweet talkers.

There once was a line. Called the line of friendship. So tell me what makes you think you can cross the line without telling me?

Another reason first impressions have failed me.
I mean, isn’t it ironic that you could meet someone and think that they could potentially be the right one. However, once you they reveal their real personality along with their true intentions, the way you see them alters drastically.
& On the other hand, you looked down on another person with no respect towards their feelings until a second impression is in order.

Quite the epiphany. I’ve come to the decision that I must do what I need to do, even if that means making someone or myself unhappy. I’m so use to taking shortcuts in life, but one day there won’t be an easy way out. My priorities are straight but my actions aren’t. I will no longer apologize for being “ME” anymore, living my lifestyle, and doing my own thing. It’s not an excuse, it’s something I NEED to do. Sometimes I feel as though you don’t understand because you have everything handed to you on a silver platter and I have to work for my own things. The whole dynamic of my life has changed. I can tell that my lifestyle has altered drastically from this time last year, better yet, summer. I can’t do some of the thing I use too, so stop asking.

EW omglol @ old tumblr drafts. Some are like.. a year+ old. hahaha
You can hella tell my love life in the summer and the months before and then the winter before that and shit... Nostalgia! I had those in there for TOO long. That last one is from my freshmen year, what happened? lmao. I noticed almost all of these are about guy troubles... awks. haha

2011-04-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

I like it better now cause it's easier to hate you. Not quite there yet, but in due time.
I didn't want to, didn't think I could. I said I never would.

But honestly, my detest for you grows stronger everyday. Man, shit. I done with guys for a while. So many damn rebounds on the loose, but I'm really not that kind of person. I mean, unlike some heartless ass people nowadays, I obviously won't just be able to drop it like that. But I've realized getting intoxicated, elevated, and taking advantage of my options are not essential to the recovery process. Strictly recreational. Which digressed to... prom. I aint even goin' but I'm juiced. I'm so happy for all my friends :) I really wish I went, but that's old news now. Yeah, money was an issue, and someone was even willing to cash out on EVERYTHING, but like I said, I don't take advantage of things like that. It's the 1st, ironic how it's also April fool's Day huh?

Don't know what I'll be doing SaturDAY, but probably just help the girls get ready if no plans. Saturday night I just want to forget and be the happiest I will be. Sunday will be hopefully a sunny day in the Oakland Hills. I really hope it doesn't rain cause they I'ma finally go to the zoo! Yuuuuuuuss, epic win. Koalas for daysssss man.

This week has been... alright. Many mixed signals from different people, but that's ok. I swear, people need to make up their minds. Oh wells, I've just been rambling. Can't help it, in a good mood.
Which brings me back to "recreational activities".
Yeah, for reasons other than the obvious. TYVM.